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As you enter your twenties, one of your the plans that cross your mind will probably be finding a good partner for life. At some point in this new chapter of your life, you want to meet and be with a person who will love and stay with you despite the ugly parts of yourself. You want to invest in a person who’ll fight for you and support all your goals in life. You want to finally make a decision to settle with someone who’ll be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. Your other half, as they say.
Are you ready to be in a relationship? If your answer is yes, what makes you think you are?
Are you ready to be in a relationship? If your answer is yes, what makes you think you are?
If you’re already in a relationship, do you think you’re the right person for your partner? If your answer is yes, what makes you think you are?
What makes you think you’re not the toxic one in your relationship?
Evaluate your needs and wants. Assess your attitude when confronted with unpleasant situations such as your level of patience and problem-solving skills. Ponder if you’re matured enough to enter into a relationship yet. Think about the things that make you happy, and scenarios that make you mad. Monitor how you react to other people and how good you are at relating to them. Improve your communication skills and understanding. Remember, you can’t give something you don’t have. You have to find and hone the qualities within yourself first before you ask it from somebody else.
11 SIGNS YOU’RE THE TOXIC ONE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
Are you one of the many who post on social media about how desperate they are for a boyfriend? Statements like, “I can’t wait to find the perfect boyfriend.” and “Are there any more good men left in the world?” annoy me completely. It annoys me to know that approximately a good 98% of these people are teenagers who have the wrong concept of love. Whatever your intentions may be, desperation is not a good quality to have when it comes to “looking for love.”
First of all, love is not something to be found, it’s built. It’s carefully built by two people who understand the highs and lows that come along with it. You don’t find love from someone, you build it with someone. Being desperate in finding love shows you’re willing to be with someone without knowing him from the inside out. Just for the sake of being in a relationship, you ignore all the red flags.
You take in all the things you aren’t comfortable with and convince yourself you’re with the right person even when you know you aren’t compatible with each other. Perhaps that’s the reason why many are too quick to enter into a relationship even at the simplest good deed. When you’re desperate, you are quick to assume things. You misconstrue every single signal. You trick and lie to yourself to meet your short-term needs. Maybe the reason you’re so desperate for love is because you see it as something scarce.
ASKING FOR TOO MUCH
There are numerous reasons people enter a relationship, and some of them can be pretty stupid like chasing after material incentives. Some treat their boyfriends like a bank account and make them feel less of a boyfriend if they feel to meet their ridiculously high demands. If you’re one of these people, for the sake of your partners, end your relationship.
If you threaten to leave your partner if he doesn’t buy this or that, you’re being an entitled brat and you don’t deserve everything you’re asking for.You tie their love with price tags which is plain wrong. This is another level of immaturity, narcissism, and materialism. If you “need” to have luxury bags to be given to you on Valentine’s Day or on your birthday to the point where it causes a fight, then there’s something wrong with you.
You don’t need flowers, you want flowers. You don’t need new sandals, you want sandals. You want to be spoiled with material things and you’re asking for the wrong things. If your boyfriend wants to give you something on a special occasion, then that’s great. If he doesn’t or can’t, don’t construe it to loving you less or not loving you at all.
HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Social media plays a gigantic role in relationships today and has drastically changed the landscape of dating. It angers me how teenagers are exposed to inaccurate and exaggerated narratives of a relationship goal. Of course, we all have different goals, and goals, per se, shouldn’t be frowned upon just because you don’t have the same. But what I’m saying is social media has become an outlet for teenagers to consume wrong stories about this and it has cost harm.
Instead of graduating together as a relationship goal, it has now become incredibly less like probably wearing the same couple’s shirt on a special day. Don’t base your relationship according to what society dictates as sweet or romantic or true. There is so much more than what filtered photos on Instagram portray. There are fights and quarrels behind those sweet smiles and choreographed poses. Don’t ever think that a trending couple who posts cute dances on Tiktok is a prime example of what a relationship should be. There is no perfect relationship, and it wouldn’t be called a relationship if it were perfect.
If you’re one of those people who think love is what you see in movies and what you read in books, then you thought wrong. You need to erase that mentality and you need to stop giving them value. Love is not defined by the number of heart reactions to the photo you just posted. Love is not defined by the number of affirmations from your friends. Love is not defined by social media’s overrated #relationshipgoals. These over-the-top idealistic concepts of love will cloud your judgment and keep your decisions hostage to that idea.
I can’t stress this enough. There is no fear in love. If you disagree with me, then we’re reading it from a different angle. Commitment itself isn’t easy. It takes all of your energy, time, and trust into a career or to a person. Commitment means doing your part even when you don’t feel like it. Being in a relationship is hard, especially in the first few months. You tend to ask for more reassurance and want answers to the questions that keep you up at night, and that’s okay.
If you feel like you’re not personally ready to handle another person, then it’s best if you don’t initiate your motives yet. What will likely happen if you do is you’re leading him on. You’re reeling him in with your sweet words and consistent actions but aren’t willing to stay in this relationship. Moreover, if you stay in fear and don’t do anything to be at peace with your thoughts, sooner or later your fears will end your relationship.
You spend too much time thinking about the future and what will come, you won’t be able to cherish and build your relationship. Have faith in your partner and in the love you both have created. If you have doubts, talk to him about it. Don’t coward away from commitment because of a few minor inconveniences; it happens to everyone. When struggles get stronger, seek strength from God and from your partner. Remember why you fell in love and why you continued to fight for that love until now.
BLAMING YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR MISTAKES
If you tend to pass the mistake to your partner, you have an ego problem. Accept that like all humans, you make mistakes and you make them often. It’s easy to pass on the blame to others because it’s better than having to feel guilt and ask for forgiveness. But putting the blame on someone else is what narcissistic people do. They think they’re right all the time that they find it very hard to believe they can do you wrong. NEVER BE LIKE THAT.
If you think you’ve done your partner wrong, then acknowledge your fault and apologize. I don’t get the point of feeding your ego by showing off your clean record like you’re using it to impress somebody. Whenever you talk to your friends, don’t put your partner’s name in a bad light. Don’t describe him to your friends and paint him as the bad guy. Your friends will remember what you said and will always defend your name first instead of his. If this is so, who defends him? It should’ve been you.
Furthermore, it’s important to consider your role in the relationship because the accountability shouldn’t be placed only on one person. Even if something isn’t primarily your doing, you will always have a part to play (maybe it’s something you failed to do or something you tolerated). Acknowledge your failed efforts and have some humility. Pride can kill.
Most people I know tend to choke their partners by not letting them out of their sight. They demand and manipulate their partners all to themselves. One of those reasons is they don’t want to admit they’re insecure. Their decisions are deeply rooted in insecurity and self-pity It’s not enough for you to surrender to your feelings. They don’t want their boyfriends exposed to a world full of beautiful and irresistible women. But that’s the point.
You’re not in a different world. You coexist with other people. Let him enjoy a night out with his friends. Let him play his favorite computer games. Let him have a few drinks. Putting him inside a cage for your satisfaction is a sign of insecurity and immaturity. Instead of locking him up like a prisoner, you allow him to make his own choices like the rational man he is.
If he chooses to go astray, then that’s his choice. None of it is your fault. Healthy relationships do not impose rules. Rules are for those who still need to be told what to do. Sure, you may have your understandings but your relationship shouldn’t be draining you. If you don’t feel peace when he goes out with his friends, there’s a problem between you and him.
ALWAYS FINDING FAULT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
There is a huge violation of trust and loyalty if you take the word of someone else’s before your partner’s. If you base the happiness of your relationship according to the opinion of others, then maybe you don’t deserve a relationship yet. Insecurity is the enemy here as it will lead to comparison and further resentment. The more you feel the need to change your partner to be the ideal guy you wished, the more you are likely to disappoint yourself and hurt your partner.
You should accept everything about him, even the not so pretty ones. So, before you enter a relationship, use the time to decide what you want and if you don’t get exactly the traits you’re looking for, compromise your childhood dreams and take him as he is. That’s what love’s all about.
You will soon realize that the person you’re with right now is a million times better than the guy you once dreamed to marry. You’ll share more than love languages. You’ll finish more than each other’s sentences. If you find yourself jealous of other people’s relationships to the point where you force yourself and your partner to imitate them completely, then it shows you’re not content with what you already have. It means you don’t treasure your partner and all that you’ve been through.
If you want to try new things and explore new hobbies, then do it with your partner because you want to and not because that’s what’s trending today. When you enter into a relationship, always remember that it’s all or nothing. You don’t commit to a relationship without thinking long-term. It’s cruel to disturb another person’s peace to satisfy your temporary mood to be in a relationship most especially if you have the wrong intentions.
NOT BEING TRUTHFUL
It’s true when they say honesty is the foundation of any relationship. If you have no integrity as a partner, you’re not going to make that relationship last. If you lie about where you’re going or delete text messages behind your partner’s back, you’re already killing the relationship. In the same way, in your absence, you have to trust your partner that he won’t do anything less than what a boyfriend should do.
Stop making up scenarios in your head and get mad if he doesn’t give you the answers you want. Instead of creating unnecessary drama, explain to him what you’re okay with and what offends you. Build your trust by constantly soliciting reassurance even if it’s not asked. Don’t do anything that would hurt your partner and always think about what he/she would feel.
Don’t assume he/she would be okay with it if you’re having second thoughts. Be respectful and considerate of the other’s feelings. Never do revenge. Finally, if he ever does you wrong (like cheating), leave him be. Don’t waste any more of your precious time and energy telling him what he did wrong because he knows it.
GOSSIPING ABOUT OTHER’S RELATIONSHIPS
With social media around, it’s a high possibility everybody’s business is going to be your business. Don’t make it a habit to compare your relationship with others because it’s different. Don’t get used to putting your nose where it doesn’t belong. Before finding faults in others’ relationships, look in the mirror and ponder if you have the right to do it. I’m sure it’ll take you a lot more time spotting your own mistakes.
If you see another person hanging out with someone who’s not his girlfriend, don’t spread rumors around. You may start a drama out of nothing. Not only will your assumptions bring chaos in someone else’s life but also yours. You don’t even know the whole story, let alone whom you’re gossiping about. Gossiping about each other’s relationships can also be a reflection of the role you play within your relationship. It also goes to show you’re not happy because you’re looking for “fun” in someone else’s.
If you see a couple exchanging gifts on a special occasion for them, don’t make up stories revolving that. Don’t stir up trouble; it could go out of hand and you wouldn’t even know where to start cleaning up your mess. As they say, rumors are like wildfire.
DEMANDING TOO MUCH TIME AND ATTENTION
You will never be ready to be in a relationship if you’re in your partner’s ass 24/7. You need to understand that you’re two different people with priorities. It’s perfectly okay to start the day with a quick good morning text and with a goodnight text with updates in between. You don’t have to be together all the time; otherwise, you wouldn’t grow on your own and as a couple. You need time and space away from each other to make the heart grow fonder. It’s healthy to miss your partner every once in a while.
Demanding too much time and attention makes unreasonable behavior and it isn’t a healthy sign in a relationship. You should be willing to let your partner interact with other types of people and trust him not to do things that will make you doubt his faithfulness. You should be open to say and correct the behavior that you don’t like and tell him why you don’t like that sort of treatment.
Life is serious and there’s so much stuff to be done. You couldn’t bloom to the relationship you will become if he’s always by your side. This means also developing your confidence in your partner to maintain healthy and open communication. Updates about where you are and who you’re with are enough. You don’t need to receive a text message every hour especially if you know he can’t come to the phone whenever he likes. Respect his job and his own priorities and support him cheerfully.
SEEING THE OTHER AS A COMPETITION
By building a future together, it is essential to see someone not as competition but as an equal. You are doing your best to excel in your field as your contribution to the team. Your success is his success and vice versa. You should celebrate his joys as much as you celebrate your own. There is no need for comparison because you should accept who he is.
To not feel like a competitor, support your partner’s journey genuinely so you can feel the amount of happiness he’ll feel when he accomplishes something. Ask him about how his day went or what you could do to make him feel better. Support him in what he does and don’t make him feel like he needs to beg for it.
Your ego shouldn’t be dependent on how your partner is doing. Your partner shouldn’t have to succeed in anything so you would feel like you’re the one putting all the work into the relationship. Allow him to fulfill his dreams on his own. You should be happy for him, not the other way around.
It shouldn’t be a necessary goal to be in a relationship right away as you should be giving more priority to even more important things in life as you’re starting out, such as your career and family. Your twenties should also be a period of your life when you get to explore your interests and what you’re looking for in a person. That way, you can build in improving yourself so you could be the right person for someone else and more importantly, for yourself.
However, I think testing the waters without having a goal in mind isn’t helpful either. It’s responsible and smart to check on yourself. It’s not enough to want a person; you should also take care of yourself and try to change your bad habits (because if you can spot a lot from other people, then perhaps it’s time to spot your own). You have to become what you want in a person so you can attract someone with the likes of you.
“Until you let go of all the toxic people in your life, you will never be able to grow into your fullest potential. Let them go so you can grow.”DLQ