Photo by Damir Spanic from Unsplash
When you see a couple breaking up in the movies, you can hear the same old, recycled garbage lines disguised for an excuse that they found someone else better than their partner. You look at them with shock, feeling sorry for the one who just got ambushed (and terrified that you might be in the same place as him/her in real life. Unlike cliché romance in movies, break-ups aren’t that easy as they portray them (unless you’re in high school).
Numerous couples decided to break up for various reasons regardless of the length of their relationships, and it’s painful to see couples (who we thought are the living proof of happily ever after) to separate. And while most are praying they get the right partner for them as soon as possible, some are completely taking for granted what they have, leading to on and off relationships.
Your mutual bond of love should treated with respect the same way it was in the beginning, even if it’s not going to last for anymore. When you’re on the precipice of breaking up with your partner, it’s wise to think about the decision very carefully. The emotional damage and repercussions isn’t something you should be taking lightly for either of you.
10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE THINKING OF LEAVING:
1. Why am I breaking up with this man? After how many misunderstandings and arguments, why have I finally thought about breaking up? Why have I waited until now? Why have I gone through and sacrificed so much only to break up with him for the same reason?
2. What have I done to deserve this? What have I done to come to this point? What are the lapses that I caused? What are his lapses that I ignored? What red flags have I slipped away? Have I done what was expected of me in this relationship?
3. Do we still have trust, respect, and love for one another? Do I still trust him to be away with his friends? Do I respect him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to conclusions? Do I still want to cuddle with him in bed? Do I still want to bring him a glass of water even when he didn’t ask?
4. Is there something left to be fought for? Can this problem still be fixed? When I reminisce about our memories, do I still the same fullness of energy and giddiness? Do I still have the love in myself to forgive him? Do I still have the interest to resolve our issues?
5. Do we have common goals and values for the future? Do we agree on deal-breaker issues? Do we listen to the other even if we agree to disagree? Do we tell each other our plans and goals and get excited about them? Do we see our partners in the future we create?
6. Does this relationship bring out the best in me? Does being with him make me shine the brightest even when I’m in a room full of beautiful girls? Does his presence make me insecure and paranoid that he’ll entertain other girls? Does this relationship make me selfish and entitled?
7. Are our plans delayed and ruined because of each other’s insecurities? Does he discourage me when I work hard for my career? Do I let him drop a message and call me every five minutes at work? Do I require him to get me from work even when he’s super busy?
8. Do we talk about our problems maturely? Does our pride block the way when resolving issues? Do we forgive the other without making him feel less and unworthy? Do we manipulate the other by taking leverage that we are not at fault?
9. Does he make me feel loved and secured? Does he let me walk on the safer side of the road? Do I make him feel appreciated? Does he reassure me when I get insecure instead of getting angry? Does he make me feel like I’m in a competition with somebody else?
10. How much do we compromise for each other? Do I deprive him of time with his friends? Do I force him to go out with me even when he’s not comfortable? Do I make him feel guilty when he change our plans for the right reasons?
After answering these questions truthfully, take a deep breath and think about what transpired in your relationship, what you intend to change or learn from it, why you want to leave him, etc. By dissecting your relationship for its strengths and weak points, you identify the common problems you usually go through that are left undiscussed. Then, you can understand your partner’s side of the story and eventually decide how to solve them with him.
5 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET WHEN ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING UP:
DON’T MAKE RASH DECISIONS WHEN YOU’RE EMOTIONAL
A lot of people don’t know how to master, let alone control themselves when the heat rises. When you’re on the brink of telling someone terrible news or confessing the truth that would break their heart, it’s difficult to be rational. As emotions heighten, chances are, you’ll get overwhelmed by the fear of it all. As a result, the dilemmas you’re facing would cloud your judgment and change the perspective you usually see things through.
You base your decisions on how the situation makes you feel instead of what you should do. You feel like no one hears you so you make a desperate move to prove a point (even when you don’t want to pick that choice anyway). Ending the relationship out of anger is one of the worst ways to end something because you never know the damage you cause when the rage is no longer there. By the time you cooled down, you’ve already lost a diamond.
NEVER SETTLE FOR A RELATIONSHIP
You can tell you’re settling if you only care about the benefits of having a relationship with him instead of actually celebrating your love and taking risks. You’re unhappy about your relationship but you choose not to leave because you’re staying for something else, not for love. Choosing to stay to please someone you don’t even love is literally torture, but the longer you lie to yourself, the better you are at convincing to yourself that the pain is satisfying. If the burden of staying in a relationship is too much for you to handle, then don’t force yourself to be okay with it. If you were truly in love, you wouldn’t even be questioning whether all of your sacrifices are worth it (because in the name of love, they always are).
IF YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS, YOU WIN
When you break up with someone who isn’t sure about being with you, no matter how much you love him, you didn’t lose him. He lost you. You never lose when you’re truthful, even when they make you feel the opposite. Just think about it this way: You’ve done all you can, and there’s nothing more you can do. A relationship takes two committed hearts and minds, so if the other wouldn’t participate, it would fail. Unreciprocated love isn’t going anywhere but to the path of resentment and manipulation. Regardless of what others would tell you, don’t little yourself to fit in the box of someone else’s perception of your worth.
USED UP TIME IS BETTER THAN A WASTED LIFE
You’ve spent a couple of years getting to know him, dating, sharing a few laughs. The time you’ve poured into the relationship you built with someone else is not wasted, it’s just used. Don’t beat yourself too much about the time you could’ve used doing something else or dating somebody else, because you’re never going to know what could’ve happened anyway.
You’re never guaranteed the effectiveness of the opportunity cost. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve invested into the relationship because you entered it in good faith. If you’ve been an awesome girlfriend to the wrong guy, what more when you meet the right one for you? You have so much love in yourself that you can give to one who truly deserves it. It’s another page of the story of your life, and it’s another stepping stone on the way to genuine happiness.
IT’S ONLY YOUR CHOICE THAT MATTERS
Entering a relationship is your choice and it should still be yours if you leave. Your fate should not suffer because other people think leaving him is the wrong decision to make. If the breaking up is mutual, think about what’s best for both of you, but if it’s not, prioritize your well-being first. Don’t ever let someone pressure you into doing something so personal and sensitive. An outsider’s opinion on your relationship is irrelevant and insignificant simply because he is not the one who committed nor is he a part of the highs and lows; therefore, he has no right to speculate.
“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.”Steve Maraboli
8 thoughts on “10 Questions to Ask Yourself When You're Thinking of Leaving”
I really like these questions, I think it can help someone put their own position into perspective. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad it helped.
Great post! Breaking up is a big decision and these are some very insightful questions to reflect upon before moving forward.
This is great advice to think on, for anyone who's considering ending a relationship. I really liked what you said about not shrinking ourselves down to fit into someone else's perception of our worth. Great quote at the end, too! Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
I've only had one breakup but it was when I was really young and in high school still so in my opinion, it doesn't really count! Very interesting questions to get your brain thinking about your relationship! xx
Exactly. It's not easy to get out of a relationship.
Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you found it helpful.
Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad I helped.